I am hard on myself. I always have been and probably always will be.
Usually, I consider it a strength of mine because am constantly pushing myself to be better than my best. Other times, it’s nothing but a stressor because I can easily feel like I’m not good enough.
I am feeling this stress more than ever as I rejoin the workforce.
Part of it is feeling overwhelmed. It’s just one more thing to juggle and being a mom is tough enough. I always have a thousand things bouncing around in my head, on top of a never ending to-do list.Right when I get the hang of things, another ball is thrown into the mix and I have to learn to juggle all over again. This time, I am juggling while switching hats back and forth like a circus clown. Mom. Wife. Employee. Friend. Sister. Daughter. Pet owner. An individual PERSON.
The other part of my stress is GUILT. I feel guilty for being absent and I feel even more guilty for wanting it.
Although these past 8 weeks have been amazing in so many ways, I am ready for a routine and a purpose that doesn’t involve diapers or milk. But I waited s o l o n g to hold my sweet baby girl in my arms, how could I be so ready for the next step?! As normal as this is, I can’t help but feel remorse. I feel like its supposed to be more difficult to go back to work.
Now don’t get me wrong, its not necessarily “easy.” I was still a hot mess when I left the house that first morning. The waterworks had started before I even opened my car door. Literally. And they didn’t stop until I was well on my way down the interstate. It was a common theme for the week. I’d walk into the office building partly excited to feel part of the adult world again, but also desperately wanting to cuddle my baby. I was scared that I’d get home and she wouldn’t even noticed that I’d been away for ten hours.
I am sure that every new mother feels this way. The silly part for me is that this was all temporary. I was only leaving the house to train for a new position before I start working from home. (You can say it…drama queen.) I am really lucky to have scored this flexible position. My workplace has been generous and understanding with our situation and I couldn’t be more grateful! Because of this, I will never miss a doctor’s appointment or a therapy class. I can be as involved as possible as Kara grows.
Regardless, I got a taste of what it feels like to be a mom working outside the home. Kudos to all you do it because it is not easy. You’re running on little sleep, missing your child like crazy, pumping on every break…all to finally make it home in time to prepare dinner, clean the house, and still try to bond with your family. I don’t know how you do it, but it takes a great amount of strength, so kudos ❤
I am sure that once I adjust to these changes, my stress levels will return to their usual “new mom” altitudes and we’ll get into more of a routine that works for us. Until then, coffee, cuddles, and yoga will keep me sane!