Life is scary.
Having a baby is scary.
Watching my husband put on his gear and walk out the door every day is scary.
I remember when I used to be scared of what could be under my bed so I would take a running start from the doorway and leap onto the covers so nothing could reach out and grab me. Then I would wait to emerge until morning time when the sunlight made all the monsters go away. What a simple solution!
If only adult life were that easy. This year has been frightening for so many reasons. 2016 has brought a lot of alarm, awareness, change and nervousness into our lives.
This is a rough year for our nation’s law enforcement and I have immense pride for Jacob and his decision to be a police officer.
Part of my admiration is for the job itself. It requires instantaneous judgement calls, physical and mental strength, patience, and courage. It is a job that only certain people can do. My husband is one of those people. He was built for this life. He has the kindest heart and truly wants to see his community improve. I have heard his stories of calming trembling children, saving neglected dogs from the bitter cold, and helping ease the constant paranoia of those claiming that there are intruders in their attic. The way he handles these situations makes me burst with love and pride.
Of course, these are only the situations that he will tell me about. There are other ones, scarier ones, that will fill his day. Like the hostage situation last week that he was called to in the middle of the night. I had sleepily opened my eyes when he bent down to kiss me goodbye and I immediately reached out to feel for his chest, wanting to make sure that I could feel the rock hard Kevlar. My very first thought was that it was another ambush on police and I couldn’t help but think of the disturbing situations that Baton Rouge and Dallas have recently faced. After watching his silhouette disappear through the bedroom door, I laid in bed with my mind spinning and Baby Girl dancing in my belly. Needless to say, we didn’t get much sleep that night. My heart was racing and my stomach felt sick.
What if that was the last kiss I ever got?
How was I going to raise our daughter alone?
What would life be like without him?
These are the questions that I try to avoid asking myself, but that night they came ruthlessly crashing through my mind.
I was able to breathe easier when I heard from him a few hours later. They had resolved the situation and he was on his way home to get some rest. Sadly, the day was not restful. Later that afternoon, we had yet another officer shot and killed. This was the second officer in less than 3 months. The reality checks were hitting me like the bullets that were flying. He was paged out once again to help.
I have sobbed everyday since then. I could blame it on pregnancy hormones, but the truth of it is, we are all struggling. When I say “we” I mean the other wives that are in the exact same position as me. For most of us, these uneasy feelings aren’t unfamiliar, but this incredible amount of hatred and lack of respect toward law enforcement is.
For the first time in 6 years, I implored Jacob to get a different job. Of course, I knew what the answer was going to be. Without hesitation, I was told that it wouldn’t be fair to his companions on the police force and that he wasn’t going to be a coward and run away when things got hard.
On one hand, I hate that he’s this way. If only I could convince him to take a desk job, then all I would worry about is him catching a cold from a co-worker sneezing on his keyboard. On the other hand, I love the man that he is. I love that he won’t back down when tragedy strikes his nation and community. Instead, he proudly goes out in defense. He’s one of the good guys. I understand his heart and this is how I know he will be GREATEST dad and role model.
He has been my rock while navigating this upside-down life. I want to make him proud so I stand behind him with a brave face and I always will.
I had a really hard time writing my post these last couple of weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything positive last week so I chose to give it a rest. This week, I sat down to write about Baby Girl and my expectations of her development, but I couldn’t bring myself do that either. Not with larger issues weighing on my heart and mind. All of this affects her life, too. She is going to grow up feeling the same pride that I do for her daddy. She will love and admire him the same way I do. We are a blue family 💙