As I sit here, snuggling my baby cheek to cheek, I’m realizing a few things, in these wee hours known so intimately by so many mothers of newborns, I look at my daughter, my dear Taylia, & I must admit what it is I see & feel:
As I look at my daughter & notice the still involuntary smiles in her sleep, I wonder if she will be ornery & mischievous.
Just like I wondered with my other kids.
I’m amazed at when her tiny fingers wrap tightly around mine, how my finger is so directly attached to my heart, & I don’t want her to let it go cuz it’ll feel like part of my heart has let go with it.
Just like it did with my other kids.
As she snuggles deeper into my chest, this tiny heaped up bundle of perfect helplessness, I can’t help but feel this is the most perfect moment & wish time would hold still, to-dos didn’t have to be done, & no one & nothing else in the world would interrupt it.
Just like I wished with my other kids.
I look at her peacefully sleeping & wonder what she’ll be like as she grows, all the amazing things she’ll do, the barriers she’ll break, what her goals & dreams will be, the greatness God intended her for.
Just like I did with my other kids.
I think that, even though I’m her mother, there will probably be a lot more I’ll learn from her than she’ll learn from me.
Just like I have with my other kids.
In my lower moments, I wonder if I’ll be enough. If I can be the mom she needs to become all that God made her to be. If God will be gracious enough to work around all my mistakes, my sins, my failings, to still make her into what He intended her to be (He will). And I pray once again that God will always fill in my gaps.
Just like I worry & pray with my other kids.
When I look at my baby, I see my beautiful daughter. I see that she is precious & perfect. I see that once again God did it- He gave me this almost magical love for this perfectly made child of His, that is distinct & different & all her own.
Just like He did with my other kids.
Now, Taylia is not just like my other kids… but neither are my other kids just like each other. There is so much that, at this point, when I look at my daughter, I see her much like I saw my other children; much I do with her just like I did with my other children; much I feel for her just like I felt with my other children, only, its hers. And I see, Down syndrome & all, that she’s really more like than unlike my other children. I have fears & hopes, uncertainties & deep desires. I have ups & I have downs. I have happy & sad, crazy & sane. I have a love that has been specifically, purposefully, personally put in my heart by God that is special & significant just for Taylia. God did all this, He does all this. He has given her to me, He will be with me & equip me. He knew what He was doing, knows what He is doing, even when I don’t. He will help me when I feel lost, course correct me when I get off track, bring me back to these moments when I get consumed with the every day mundane & crazy, & He will be glorified through it all.
Just like my other kids.
~Written by Nicole Vannicola